I’m standing here in my proverbial underwear.  I’ve had quite a few people ask me how I am recently, so I thought I’d just put it out there.

I’m here.

Sometimes that’s the accomplishment for the day.  I lost my mom 11 months ago to colon cancer.  It has been a tumultuous year full of highs and lows.  I strive to focus on the positive, so I’ll list those first.  We welcomed Bodie into our family, and he is an absolute dream of a baby.  My photography business has grown beautifully and is on a great path.  My husband’s business is doing well.  Carter is healthy, strong, and learning so much day by day.  Just watching him become a “kid” and not a “toddler” is fascinating.

But, grieving has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.  I know there are many people that truly care how I’m doing.  But, it’s just easier to say “fine” when someone asks.  Grieving is so complex and so all encompassing, that I truly believe that if you haven’t experienced it first hand, you can try to sympathize, but it’s impossible to wrap your brain around the depths of grief.  11 months out and I am still struggling.  I am having great weeks now.  It used to be I had good days and bad days.  Now, it’s stretching, and I have longer good stretches.  But, this past week knocked me down again.

I am a person who remembers numbers and dates.  I remember my 6th grade locker combination (16-6-32, by the way).  I know my childhood phone number.  I can still recite the address I lived at when I was 5 years old.  Every July 2nd I think “this is the day I met Richie”.  Every January 17th I remember that “this was the day I found out I was pregnant with Carter”.  So, this week a year ago was when our world turned upside down and we found out that mom was not a candidate for the clinical trial and that she only had 2-4 months.  She made it 1 month.  Robbed.  I felt (and feel) robbed.

When she first met with her oncologist at Moffitt Cancer Center she said “the average life expectancy of someone with your disease is 2.5 years”.  Carter was in my lap.  He was 7 months old.  I wept.  That only got him to 3 years old.  My mom literally prayed that baby into my life.  And she was only going to know him until 3?  And then, only until he was 2?  She died 2 weeks before he turned 2.  We were robbed.  So, now as I think of his 3rd birthday party preparations, my mind can’t help but jump to “she was supposed to see this”.

The good news is that she has the best seat in the house now.  But, not getting to hear her laughter at Carter is literally heartbreaking.  Carter (and Bodie) are so blessed to have such loving grandparents that want to be so involved.  But, there’s a hole.  A 5′ 2″ brunette, green eyed, song bird hole.

My mom was so proud of my photography.  She was extremely supportive of me as I first started out.  She was my babysitter for my first shoots that I did for free.  She wanted to see each and every gallery I put together.  She ran a wildly successful real estate business (even when other great agents were having to wait tables while the economy crashed) and so her business advice was always spot on.

I’ll be honest.  My first shoots back after she passed were near impossible for me emotionally.  It felt empty and wrong to proceed without her.  I cried over a chat with a dear friend one night.  I needed to edit a session, and couldn’t.  I just couldn’t do it.  She (my friend) told me to take her with me.  I did.  And it felt good.

For any blog readers that may have lost someone?  My heart pours out to you.  For those of you concerned about me?  I love you for that.  You are awesome.  I can’t express my gratitude enough to my friends and family that are so sweet and supportive of me while I try to figure out how to walk forward without her.  I could NOT have made it through this year without my wonderful loving and patient friends and family.  There are certain friends that have been my crutch on days where I barely made it through the day.  My wonderful husband, Richie, is the leader of that pack.

Don’t worry.  Next week I’ll have a good week.  And I keep shooting.  I want to.  I love to.  I do it in honor of my mom.  At every shoot I feel like she’s with me.  I was paralyzed at the thought of doing it without her, so I won’t.  My mom had the most contagious smile and laugh.  Oh that laugh.  You could hear it a hundred yards away.  But, you definitely knew when she was happy.  I want that for my clients.  I want that for my business.  I want to capture that extraordinary love.  The extraordinary love of a mother and newborn, of a whole family, between siblings, of a cheerful 6 month old.

So, thank you for asking about me.  I’m doing better.  I’m just learning how to live without her physical presence, and trying to learn to feel her spirit and find happiness in that.  I have a wonderful little family.  I have an incredibly supportive (and tolerant) husband.  I have an adorable almost 3 year old son.  I have a precious 5 month old that will laugh at anything.  Blessings follow me everywhere!

And because it wouldn’t be a post on my blog without photos… I was just finishing up Margaret’s gallery, and these 2 images really make me smile… I hope they bring a smile to your face too.  See?  Love.  It’s what it’s ALL about.

There are a lot of firsts happening this time of year.  First back pack, first lunch box, first day at school, first ride on a bus…  The Dunlaps are no exception.  Bodie had his first solid food and Carter had his first dance class.  I should not these pics are taken with my 5 year old point and shoot.  I’m sure the other photographers that follow my blog can relate, but when you’re juggling 2 kids, it’s hard to juggle the “big” camera as well.

Up first is Bodie.  He’s 5 months old now and showing signs of being ready, so we started solids on Friday!  We started with avocados.  What’s funny is neither Richie nor I like avocados.  Blech.  But, they are nutritionally dense and contain good fats, so I tried to my best to control my gag reflex.   This is a recent snapshot with my “big” camera of the handsome man.

But, when confronted with his first dose of “obnoxious on board flash” this is what happened.

Prior to this above photo, he’d been smiling and laughing.  …and THIS, my friends, is why I hate on board flash.  Well, there are many reasons, but this is just one of them.  Thanks to the shutter lag, the adorable smiling and laughing was replace by the deer in the headlights look.  Nice, eh?

Anywho.  Onto the solids. He did great.  No tongue thrust issues, and did really well!  I don’t think avocados are a fave, but he didn’t cry and spit them out either.  Here he is trying his first bite.  Notice the same “oh crap that flash is bright” look.  Ahh… love it.

And after.  A pretty happy boy!  Great job, Bodie!!

Up next is Carter.  He had his first dance class yesterday.  As many of you know, I am a ballet teacher as well.  This is my 17th year teaching.  I teach at Stage Door Studios.  There just happens to be a class for 3 year olds the hour before I start teaching on Mondays.  Perfect.  It’s a class that is half dance and half tumbling.  This is also Carter’s first foray into a classroom setting.  It’s precisely why he’s in it. I want him to learn to listen to other adults, take turns, interact, and some basic movement for coordination.  This class was such a little blessing!  We talked the whole way to the studio on being a good listener, following directions, and the fun he was going to have.  He asked at every stoplight if we were at “dance cass” (no L) yet.

Miss Jill Lynch (director of Stage Door) teaches the class.  She’s got about as much experience teaching as I do.  She has two pristinely dressed assistants with their hair neatly back in a bun.  Ready to lead the class and demonstrate to the best of their ability too.

We arrive at the studio just in time to walk into class.  It was my goal to be there about 10 minutes early, but thanks to the crazy rain yesterday, we were a bit delayed in our travels.  We walked in just as Miss Jill was cheerfully leading the students back to class.  I quickly ripped Carter’s shoes and sock off, ushered him past the waiting room full of younger siblings, parents and there paraphernalia back to his classroom.  I said “have fun in dance class” and he started to well up with tears.  I gave him a reassuring hug and closed the door.  The crying started.  Great.  First day and the ballet teacher’s kid is the crier.   He stopped the crying almost immediately and went to hang out in the back of the room when the rest of the class was in their “hello circle” to greet each other.  No problem, some kids need some time to adapt.  Jill (a very wise woman) installed a security like camera and has the feed on a large flat screen tv in the lobby.  She knows if she didn’t she’d have at least a dozen parents peering in through the small sliver of a window in the door.  Well, that’s what the parents have done for the past 2 years anyway.

Next, comes time to go across the floor.  The assistants demonstrated how they would do their chassee’s (like gallops) across the floor.  Not Carter.  He stood firmly attached to the back of the room.  He wasn’t to be shaken.  Maybe stubbornness is a trait I can later put on his CV?  I’m hoping so, because his is legendary.   Then the kids started their battements (like big kicks).  This is when it got good.  Carter darted from the back of the room to the front and then back again.  Oy.  He wasn’t just not participating, he was being a distraction.  A sweet assistant went over to talk to him.  Heh.  Good luck, dearie.  But, he didn’t run again, so I guess what they did worked.

Jill breaks out the stars and places them on the floor (these are placemarkers on the floor for the kids to stand on).  When they stand on their star they get a scarf to begin the next exercise.  Not my kid.  He picks up his star and throws it frisbee style “Wheeee” towards the back of the room ::slaps forehead in a Homer Simpson like way:: DOH!  Jill begins the exercise and they are practicing with the scarves all the while learning lessons about dancing lightly.  Yeah.  Not my kid.  He’s using his star instead.  Oops.

Next, he refused to stretch with his blue teddy bear.  Nope.  His teddy sat there unaccompanied.  At this point Richie has arrived and is laughing with me.  Ahhh, parenthood.

Then it comes time for beanbags.  This has Carter’s interest peaked.  Every kid scurries to their star and stands nicely and Jill places a beanbag on their head to see if they can balance it (for fun of course).  Carter rushes to Miss Jill and she mimes toward the star.  He needs to stand on his star to get his beanbag.   He quickly does so and she places it on his head.  (patience of Job she has, I tell ya)  They begin the exercise having fun on all the places they can balance their bean bag.  Carter begins dancing… FINALLY!!  30 minutes into the class, but he’s dancing!  She balances it on her foot and raises her foot up effortlessly, and Carter attempts to mimic.  He places it on his foot, only to lift it and to fling it across the room.  Oops.  Not exactly the desired effect we were going for there, champ.

They began tumbling, and I think this class was more a lesson in patience for Miss Jill and her assistants than anything.

At the end of the class, I asked Jill to pose with Carter for a quick snapshot.  Again, with the point and shoot.  Notice Carter’s expression that says “you didn’t notice I didn’t really participate, did you?”.  That Jill is quickly on her way to being canonized a saint.

A good photographer friend suggested, er, challenged some photographers to just capture moments this weekend. Well, by the time I remembered it, it was Saturday afternoon. So, this is us from Saturday afternoon, through dinner then the next morning. I had SUCH a good time doing this. I also installed my new slideshow software! I’m so excited about it too! I am not in any of these pictures because my role is “the woman behind the camera”. Honestly, if I’d told Richie what I was doing he would’ve taken some of me… but he’s so used to me just snapping away anyway, he didn’t question it. LOL!

1. Bodie is rolling.  Please note:  this is not with great enthusiasm.  I quite enjoy the time when he’s not mobile.  I even considered fashioning some sort of concrete block contraption to extend the non-mobile period a bit longer.  However, my dear friends brought it to my attention that that’s considered cruelty, so I guess I’ll let him continue with his development.  ::sigh::  The immobility was nice while it lasted.  (please note that I’m kidding and would never harm my child).

2.  I have such big things planned for this fall!  I’m working on Christmas card templates right now!  I plan on making them a password protected gallery for viewing (similar to last year, but even better).  I am GIDDY with excitement over this years templates.  Some are great ones from last year with a lot of new ones too!

3.  Is 4 months too late to send out birth announcements?  Because that’s what we’re doing.  Yup, I never got Bodies announcement sent out.  My kids are like the cobbler’s kid that have no shoes.  They have plenty of snapshots but I always put client editing ahead of theirs, so they sit on a folder on my computer collecting proverbial dust.

4.  Mother’s helpers.  MY LORD what did I do before them?  Oh that’s right?  I got very little done that wasn’t super late at night.  I’ve been so blessed this summer to have quite a few days with help from mother’s helpers.  I’m going to have to figure something out during the school year, because I can’t go back now!  The ability to sit down and work for any length of time is a luxury for a work from home mom.  But, with the helpers, I can be here to feed Bodie, run in the kitchen to make my lunch, or whatever.  It’s been glorious!  I plan on packing them in as best as I can before school starts back and all of my helpers go back to school!!!

5.  What I’m working on right now.  This is a long overdue session for a friend.   She is so sweet!

1)  I’m baaaa-ack!  We had a nice little vacation, and I am finally caught up on the post – vacation laundry and such!  Phew!!!  I gotta be honest, I still have at least one load of towels to fold an put away though.  Just keepin’ it real.

2)  With all of the challenge of 2 small children, teaching ballet, and running a successful business, the back burner has been Boden’s newborn photos.  I have just been putting them off for too long.  Here’s one I just finished.  I left his “angel kisses” in tact on this edit.

I know I’m a bit partial, but I just love that squishy face!!

3) I am running my a/c full time, house full of fans on high, and the external temp is in the 90s and I’m already planning for the holidays.  Holiday sessions and holiday cards that is!  I have some BEAUTIFUL plans for holiday cards this year!!  I can’t wait to share!  You’re gonna love them!

4) Don’t forget about summer mini sessions!

5)  A little plug and information for a great service.  Carter is a successful graduate of the Infant Swimming Resource program.  His instructor, Megan Zoller is a wonderful instructor.  This program is not simply about learning to swim, but for survival lessons should a child fall in the water.  Carter starts his refresher lessons next week.  His float is a little rusty.  I am so thankful for Megan and her services!  She is worth her weight in gold!!   Be prepared for some pics of him in lessons next week!

1)  I am so far behind editing personal photos!  I am STILL working on Boden’s newborn photos.  Don’t worry there will be a BIG post when they are done!  Here’s one from this morning that just made me melt…  Say it with me, “awwwwww”!

2) I am enjoying a weekend away with my family right now.  So, I may be slow to respond to emails and such.  I have internet access, but it’s via a wireless card, so it’s a bit slow.  I’d like to say “I deserve a weekend off”, but it’s just nearly impossible for me to make a clean break from technology.

3) I am booking Mini sessions right now, and have had quite the response to them!  They are only good on sessions that take place by September 15th, so book now before I’m all booked up!

4)  Christmas in July!!!  No, seriously!!  I am getting my holiday cards for 2010 picked out and organized!  Remember to ensure delivery for the holidays I am instating the following deadlines.   Nov. 15th:  Last day a session can take place and ensure product delivery by Christmas.  Dec. 1st:  Last day of orders to ensure Christmas delivery for standard prints and holiday cards.  If you want an album, the latest you can order that is Nov. 1st, so you’d need to have your session in the beginning of October to allow time for editing and design!

5) On a personal note:  I am finding motherhood just flat out hilarious.  I find myself saying things DAILY that I never dreamed would come out of my mouth.  This week?  Carter is obsessed with my armpits.  You know, the crease that is made when your arms are down by your side?  And the little bit of “fluff” (I’m telling myself it’s the fluff that is from my relaxed muscles against each other and not a fat pocket… hey, whatever gets me through the day, right?) that is there?  Carter likes to poke at it… and KISS it.  He’s been told REPEATEDLY “Do not touch people’s armpits, it’s yucky”.  So he tries to circumvent getting in trouble by asking “Is that Mama’s armpit?”  Why yes, Carter.  It is.  It is Mama’s armpit.  Then he’ll lean in and kiss it.  Blech.  Crazy kid.

And because I shared about Carter, I’ll share on Boden… he’s rolling over so well from belly to back!  I’m so proud of him!  He’s getting so big.  This week I had to put away the 3-6 months clothes and get down the next 3 sizes from the attic.  He’s asleep in a 9-12 month outfit right now.  It’s so cliche, but so true… They grow up so fast!!

Did you think I forgot about this place?  Heck no!!  But, life has been busy (boy, is that the understatement of the year!!!)

1)  Let’s start with the first and foremost!  Boden Cooper Dunlap is here!!  ON his due date (not like his tardy brother who was 12 days overdue).  He was 8# 14oz and 20in  long.  He had his 6 week check up yesterday and is 13 lbs 11 oz and 24.5 in long!  He’s growing like CRAZY and is already in a size 2 diaper and is outgrowing his second set of clothes!!  You know, mom’s always say that “it goes so fast” and with him, it literally does!!!  I am editing his newborn pics, but here’s a snapshot or two from his first days.

2)  The next question is always… “How is life with the new baby for the rest of the family?”  Well, Carter LOVES his little brother, but is testing my patience with not wanting to listen.  Some of it is normal 2 year old shenanigans, some of it is fueled by mom having to divide her attention.  All normal.  All COMPLETELY frustrating!!!  LOL!

3)  Miles for Moffitt!!  In a little over a week me, my dad, my cousin Kim (who is flying in), my brother (only one, the other is fishing a tournament that day), a cousin and her fiance, and a spattering of other friends are going to be walking/running Miles for Moffitt.  I ran this race 2 years ago when mom was still in the hospital recovering from her surgery to remove the cancer from her colon.  This year we do it in honor and memory of her.  I’ll have Boden with me, and not sure if I’ll bring the “big” camera… but rest assured, there’ll be some sort of camera there and I’ll share photos!!  If you’d like to donate to Miles for Moffitt, we have a donation page set up for “Songbyrd’s Army” (that is what we’ve named ourselves).  Go to this website:  http://www.active.com/donate/milesformoffitt2010/songbyrd and you can either donate, or register for the event there!  Make sure you choose Songbyrd’s Army from the drop down box if you want to register for it!!

4)  Stay tuned in the next week for an AWESOME contest for a FREE SESSION!!  I’m brainstorming the details, but I want to give back and have some fun shooting, so don’t go too far!

5)  I am “back” from maternity leave for shooting June 1st!  So, if you’d like to book your sessions, drop me an email at JenniferMauren@gmail.com and we’ll get a session booked!  I’m loving shooting my new baby, but am excited to get back out there and shoot some newborns, children, families, and seniors too!

5 on friday!!

1)  Carter has started to say “I love you” unprompted.  Melts me everytime.  He seems to do it in the proper context too, which melts me even more.  This week I was typing an email to a friend who lost her dear daughter at just 9 days old.  I was crying as I typed the email, when Carter walked up to me, pulled on my sleeve, and said “Mama?  Yi Yuh You” (Mama?  I love you).  He then climbed in my lap, put his head on my shoulder and repeated it 2-3 more times.  He’s a heart melter, for sure!

2) I’ve mentioned on my facebook (and in the #1 above) about the Gilmore family.  Mara and I were due about a month apart.  We were so excited to be pregnant together.  Mara’s sister Megan (Carter’s swim instructor) and I had our boys about 3 weeks apart and it was looking like Mara and I would have our children about that distance apart too.  Well, Mara had to deliver early due to a life threatening condition called Hydrops to baby Grace.  Baby Grace fought and fought for 9 days and passed away on Sunday night.  Many many prayers to the Gilmore family!

3) I guess since I’m 32 weeks, it’s time to come to grips with the idea that there will be a baby coming home with us soon.  We have the nursery all set to go (as it’s Carter’s nursery) but Carter’s big boy room is still a cluttered office/workout room.  Yeah.  We better get moving on that.

4) For all wondering, I am shooting sessions until mid-March.   I am due March 23rd, but went 12 days overdue with Carter and have a funny feeling that will be the case this time too.  My mom was never less than 2 weeks overdue with myself and my 2 brothers, so I’m planning on April   I’ll be resuming sessions about the first week of June.  I’ll definitely have the blog fired up to share pictures of the new baby and some other fun stuff!!

5) I went on vacation after Christmas to North Carolina.  It was dual purpose.  We stopped in Charlotte because that’s where my sister-in-law and her family live!  Also, my cousin, Kim, lives in Raleigh.  We usually make stops at both places, but this year was special exception.  Kim (who is way more like a sister than a cousin… our mom’s raised us as sisters, not just cousins) delivered a healthy baby boy on Dec. 23rd (yes, you’ll see pics of him here soon, I promise).  So Richie, Carter, and I drove to Charlotte and then I left the next day to head to Raleigh by myself to help out Kim and take some pictures.  I managed to squeeze in time for a session with new big sister, L, and her cousin, E!!!  These girls kept me moving, that’s for sure!!  L is a PRIME candidate for bribing, and let me tell ya, we did plenty of that!!  Here’s some of my faves from their session!!

These 2 girls, may be super active, but they adore each other!

First up, is the fabulous Miss L.

Next up was little cousin, E.  She has that BEAUTIFUL china doll face!!  Just scrumptious!!

I’ll be back soon with some of the new little brother’s session!  Enjoy H family!!

Look at me with 2 blog posts in a week!  I’m getting back in the swing and hope for even more frequent posts in the future.

1)  Kind of an exciting week here!  Last Friday was Richie and my 5th anniversary!   We celebrated at home with a great dinner.  We did filet’s (from Chop Shop of course!!), coconut shrimp, caesar salad, mashed potatoes (more like smashed potatoes with skins on and big chunks) and the crowning jewel of the meal which was my blondie brownies!  Those were actually Richie’s anniversary present.  Because our anniversary is exactly 3 weeks after Christmas and both of our birthdays are in December, our anniversary is usually light on gifts.  We do something special, but it’s usually “anniversary on a budget”.  And that’s ok.  What’s important is we celebrated the day, not the amount spent on it.  Lord knows we spent enough on the wedding!  I’ll have to check the annals to see if I can find a wedding photo of us from “way back when”

2)  We’re making progress on things around the house to get Carter a big boy room.  About to order bunk beds!  We need to move the office/workout room to the Florida room first though.  There’s also a closet that needs to be tamed.  Lord, help me!

3)  Well, not Lord help me, but Aunt Peggy help me!  My mom’s sister (and my godmother) has SELFLESSLY volunteered to come down here in a few weeks to help me nest and stock my freezer in prep for the arrival of a certain bundle of joy.  I’m going to try to get through that closet on my own first.  Otherwise, the crew from the TV show “Clean Sweep” may have to make a visit!

What, you can’t picture what my Aunt Peggy looks like?  Not a problem!  I’m here to help!  hahaha.

When we were on vacation in Orlando, I headed over to their house in Apopka to take some photos for their Christmas cards.

4)  And in baby news, I found myself on self imposed bed rest for a bit this week.  I had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions that did not want to slow down unless I was laying completely down on one side.  Turns out an infection was to blame, so I’m on antibiotics and they’ve slowed down significantly.  Now, don’t go assuming I’ll go into labor early.  I did the same with Carter (and an infection was not to blame) and still delivered him at 41 weeks 5 days.  …but who’s counting

5)  Lots of exciting stuff is happening behind the scenes at Jennifer Mauren Photography!  Updates to the online buying experience, updates to the website, and lets not forget the excitement all business owners go through in January.  That’s right!  Year end bookkeeping!  (do you detect a note of sarcasm on that last one?  You should, because I was laying it on plenty thick)  Stay tuned for some giveaways, progress on Carter’s new big boy room and client images too!!!

So, today’s photo is my best work so far.  And by that I mean my family.  I had great hopes of getting to take some photos of Carter this week but he got sick this weekend.  Last night he went to bed early and slept until noon today.  He’s normally up and chipper at 7am.  I had to wake him up at noon.  We went to see Dr. White, and it’s just a virus that has to run it’s course.

One of Carter’s favorite activities is to play the Wii with Richie.  He sits in Richie’s lap and holds the controller.  He did this tonight (Mario Kart was the preferred game tonight) and fell asleep while playing.  I have many pictures of Carter asleep on Richie from when he was a little baby, but none in the recent past.  This is taken with my iphone in REALLY low light, so the picture quality is awful, but this is what I’m most proud of… my familiy.