I’m standing here in my proverbial underwear.  I’ve had quite a few people ask me how I am recently, so I thought I’d just put it out there.

I’m here.

Sometimes that’s the accomplishment for the day.  I lost my mom 11 months ago to colon cancer.  It has been a tumultuous year full of highs and lows.  I strive to focus on the positive, so I’ll list those first.  We welcomed Bodie into our family, and he is an absolute dream of a baby.  My photography business has grown beautifully and is on a great path.  My husband’s business is doing well.  Carter is healthy, strong, and learning so much day by day.  Just watching him become a “kid” and not a “toddler” is fascinating.

But, grieving has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.  I know there are many people that truly care how I’m doing.  But, it’s just easier to say “fine” when someone asks.  Grieving is so complex and so all encompassing, that I truly believe that if you haven’t experienced it first hand, you can try to sympathize, but it’s impossible to wrap your brain around the depths of grief.  11 months out and I am still struggling.  I am having great weeks now.  It used to be I had good days and bad days.  Now, it’s stretching, and I have longer good stretches.  But, this past week knocked me down again.

I am a person who remembers numbers and dates.  I remember my 6th grade locker combination (16-6-32, by the way).  I know my childhood phone number.  I can still recite the address I lived at when I was 5 years old.  Every July 2nd I think “this is the day I met Richie”.  Every January 17th I remember that “this was the day I found out I was pregnant with Carter”.  So, this week a year ago was when our world turned upside down and we found out that mom was not a candidate for the clinical trial and that she only had 2-4 months.  She made it 1 month.  Robbed.  I felt (and feel) robbed.

When she first met with her oncologist at Moffitt Cancer Center she said “the average life expectancy of someone with your disease is 2.5 years”.  Carter was in my lap.  He was 7 months old.  I wept.  That only got him to 3 years old.  My mom literally prayed that baby into my life.  And she was only going to know him until 3?  And then, only until he was 2?  She died 2 weeks before he turned 2.  We were robbed.  So, now as I think of his 3rd birthday party preparations, my mind can’t help but jump to “she was supposed to see this”.

The good news is that she has the best seat in the house now.  But, not getting to hear her laughter at Carter is literally heartbreaking.  Carter (and Bodie) are so blessed to have such loving grandparents that want to be so involved.  But, there’s a hole.  A 5′ 2″ brunette, green eyed, song bird hole.

My mom was so proud of my photography.  She was extremely supportive of me as I first started out.  She was my babysitter for my first shoots that I did for free.  She wanted to see each and every gallery I put together.  She ran a wildly successful real estate business (even when other great agents were having to wait tables while the economy crashed) and so her business advice was always spot on.

I’ll be honest.  My first shoots back after she passed were near impossible for me emotionally.  It felt empty and wrong to proceed without her.  I cried over a chat with a dear friend one night.  I needed to edit a session, and couldn’t.  I just couldn’t do it.  She (my friend) told me to take her with me.  I did.  And it felt good.

For any blog readers that may have lost someone?  My heart pours out to you.  For those of you concerned about me?  I love you for that.  You are awesome.  I can’t express my gratitude enough to my friends and family that are so sweet and supportive of me while I try to figure out how to walk forward without her.  I could NOT have made it through this year without my wonderful loving and patient friends and family.  There are certain friends that have been my crutch on days where I barely made it through the day.  My wonderful husband, Richie, is the leader of that pack.

Don’t worry.  Next week I’ll have a good week.  And I keep shooting.  I want to.  I love to.  I do it in honor of my mom.  At every shoot I feel like she’s with me.  I was paralyzed at the thought of doing it without her, so I won’t.  My mom had the most contagious smile and laugh.  Oh that laugh.  You could hear it a hundred yards away.  But, you definitely knew when she was happy.  I want that for my clients.  I want that for my business.  I want to capture that extraordinary love.  The extraordinary love of a mother and newborn, of a whole family, between siblings, of a cheerful 6 month old.

So, thank you for asking about me.  I’m doing better.  I’m just learning how to live without her physical presence, and trying to learn to feel her spirit and find happiness in that.  I have a wonderful little family.  I have an incredibly supportive (and tolerant) husband.  I have an adorable almost 3 year old son.  I have a precious 5 month old that will laugh at anything.  Blessings follow me everywhere!

And because it wouldn’t be a post on my blog without photos… I was just finishing up Margaret’s gallery, and these 2 images really make me smile… I hope they bring a smile to your face too.  See?  Love.  It’s what it’s ALL about.

1. Bodie is rolling.  Please note:  this is not with great enthusiasm.  I quite enjoy the time when he’s not mobile.  I even considered fashioning some sort of concrete block contraption to extend the non-mobile period a bit longer.  However, my dear friends brought it to my attention that that’s considered cruelty, so I guess I’ll let him continue with his development.  ::sigh::  The immobility was nice while it lasted.  (please note that I’m kidding and would never harm my child).

2.  I have such big things planned for this fall!  I’m working on Christmas card templates right now!  I plan on making them a password protected gallery for viewing (similar to last year, but even better).  I am GIDDY with excitement over this years templates.  Some are great ones from last year with a lot of new ones too!

3.  Is 4 months too late to send out birth announcements?  Because that’s what we’re doing.  Yup, I never got Bodies announcement sent out.  My kids are like the cobbler’s kid that have no shoes.  They have plenty of snapshots but I always put client editing ahead of theirs, so they sit on a folder on my computer collecting proverbial dust.

4.  Mother’s helpers.  MY LORD what did I do before them?  Oh that’s right?  I got very little done that wasn’t super late at night.  I’ve been so blessed this summer to have quite a few days with help from mother’s helpers.  I’m going to have to figure something out during the school year, because I can’t go back now!  The ability to sit down and work for any length of time is a luxury for a work from home mom.  But, with the helpers, I can be here to feed Bodie, run in the kitchen to make my lunch, or whatever.  It’s been glorious!  I plan on packing them in as best as I can before school starts back and all of my helpers go back to school!!!

5.  What I’m working on right now.  This is a long overdue session for a friend.   She is so sweet!

You may remember this engagement session from the fall.

It’s my beautiful cousin Margaret and her now husband Jason.  They were married in June and contacted me about doing a bridal/”back in the dress” session.  I had the BEST time.  I get to be fun and creative, they follow directions (unlike trying to shoot a session with my 2 yr old), and there’s just something about a newly married couple because love just pours out of them.  Crazy fun.   My secret wish is that they have babies soon so I can do their maternity and newborn too   I have a funny feeling that is the same wish that my Aunt Ellen has… no pressure guys.  None at all.  Hehehe…

Normally, I like to keep my editing “clean” with as little trendy stuff as possible.  I want my images to look timeless and still hold strong 50 years from now.  Every now and again, I get the hankering to try something fun and do something trendy.  Here’s my fill from this session.   Little funky, little fun, LOVE it.

I didn’t talk a lot about it here, but I shot my first wedding last week.  Previous to now, I was unsure if I wanted to shoot weddings.  I love shooting children and families, and am very happy with that.  But, when a great friend told me her brother was getting married and they asked me to shoot it, well, the stars seemed to align.  I will say, I was amazed at the amount of love in the day.  It just oozes out of the images!  We had BEAUTIFUL golden light.  And, what’s more, it didn’t rain!  In July!  In FL!  Afternoon/evening thundershowers are a virtual certainty this time of year.  Here’s your sneak peek Troy and Sheryal!!

Email me at JenniferMauren@gmail.com to book your mini session today!

“Never say never”, right?  When I first started in photography, I was very happy with family portraiture (including (but not limited to):  children, families, babies, newborns (still my fave), maternity, etc).  But, when a dear old friend (I won’t say how old, lest we give away too many secrets) told me she was getting married and wanted bridal portraits done, I wanted to do it.  Mostly, I wanted to be able to use my gifts to capture her.  Her wedding is Thursday, and she now lives in Vermont, so last night was our ONLY night to shoot.  Well, if you live in the Sarasota/Bradenton area, you know what the weather was last night.  NOT GOOD.  Dark, cloudy, stormy… blech.  I thought it was clearing up so we waited it out a bit, but at some point, my faithful friend just said “Let’s go for it”.  So in her wedding dress (that most would be fearful of getting wet) she braved the drizzle, and the wind, and the flat out rain at some points.  I had such a great time shooting.  I love getting to let out creative energy, and we certainly did that last night.  I grew a bit as a photographer last night.  I couldn’t be happier that it was during a shoot with a great friend.  Kendra, you are stunning!  Lu is a VERY lucky man!  Here’s a peak at some of the faves…  I have more editing to do on the rest, and may come back and share more later because I love them that much.